After not hearing from B all day was so angry in the evening that I sent him another text asking him if he was pulling the same stunt he did a couple of months ago? Vanishing and then weeks later sending little messages. What’s the matter with him? Why can’t he just say that all he wants is the one thing and be done with it? There is really no need for all the other bs, his nice words and talking about feelings…

I was very glad that I left the city on Thursday for a long weekend in Moscow. Have never been there and was looking forward to a long and relaxing stay at a very posh hotel! That Thursday evening I got a text from telling me that he fell asleep on Tuesday afternoon and slept until 1am and the next day he had to leave for Slovenia again. There was a death in the family and the funeral was on Friday.

What I can I say to this? I sent a text with my deepest sympathy and left it at that. It doesn’t change anything! I have to accept the fact that “he is just not that into me”. Otherwise there would have been a text at 1am to say he was sorry, that he overslept. Whatever… something. But there has never been anything and stupid as I am, I was giving him chance after chance.

And my heart is still betraying me. Yesterday when I arrived back home I was looking for him in the arrival hall. We talked about it, I told him when I would be back. And he was making jokes about waiting for me with a big welcome sign. Why do I still want that? Why can I not just accept that there will never be an “us”? I have to be strong now, there is no way back!