The standards of personal hygiene while dating

I am really trying to keep my side of the bargain and go on dates. There is just no way around it if I ever want to meet someone. Probably. I could also hope to meet him in the supermarket or some other obscure place.

But let’s be honest, online dating is a useful tool. And not everyone you meet on Tinder just wants to have sex. At least not right away. Or maybe this is the wrong to way to go about. Maybe I should just look for someone who wants to only have sex and just get it over with. And enjoy it while doing so.

By my rambling you must realize that apparently I don’t even know myself what I want. Do I look for a casual hook up or do I want a long-term relationship? Then Tinder is most likely not the best place to start.

But I should start by hopping in the sack with someone. Let’s look for a hookup.

So the date I had yesterday was totally wrong for that. He, let’s call him “Smelly Cat” in honor of Phoebe on Friends, was totally wrong for that.

First of all we met for lunch. Works for me, cause I don’t always go. So when I do I can take a bit longer. We met at a really yummy place not far from work and kissed hello. Yes, we do that in Europe. It’s not a big deal to do the kissy-kissy on the cheeks.

But holy moly had he bad breath. I almost fainted and not in a good way. And then he wanted to sit next to me instead of across. Which in hindsight was probably better anyway.

Besides this obvious strike against him, he was also too old. Although younger than I by a year, I had the feeling I sat next to a middle-aged man. Which he was, because I am middle-aged too. But I don’t feel like it. And he definitely felt like it. And acted like it.

Plus he didn’t eat lunch. Who suggests a lunch date to then only drink coffee? How weird is that? So I sat there, enjoying a wonderful lunch while he had a cappuccino. No, that really doesn’t work for me. If you meet me for a meal and then don’t eat, that’s it with us. This will never work.

Because of course the halitosis is bad but there is a chance it is curable. Maybe. So basically if I would have fallen in love at first sight I could have …

Maybe let’s not go there. Whatever chances the guy had, they were instantly crushed by the halitosis. Let’s be realistic about this. Everything else is secondary.

Can we talk about the standards of personal hygiene then? Is is too much to ask that you brush your teeth and floss regularly? And also know a dentist whom you see on a regular basis? I thought at this time and age people have already realized that there is a minimum of personal hygiene required when you meet someone for a date. Argh, I can’t even write about it anymore. Just thinking of this smell gives me the shivers again. So please guys, if any of you are even reading that, a toothbrush is not only an accessory in the bathroom! You have to actually use it!

So what have I learned while on this date? Never meet for lunch. Especially not on a weekday. Because then i can’t drink. And some dates require a lot of drinks just to get through them.

 

The standards of dating

This is not a Tinder story, but it definitely could be. Last weekend I was invited to a party. More like an event than a party at my age.

The evening started with dinner and since we were many, the hosts had drawn a seating chart. In front of the chart stood the chef of the restaurant. Young, cute and quite the charmer.

I batted my eyes a bit and hoped for the best. And it worked! He noticed me and we started some chitchat. Of course during dinner there was no chance to see him. When it was time for dessert it was him who handed it out.

By then I was hopelessly “smitten”; you won’t believe how good the food was which added immensely to his sex appeal. While drinking shots with the other guest I kept up eye contact from time to time. I really thought I was one smooth cougar.

But then I heard that he has a girlfriend. Ugh, of course. How could it be otherwise. I gave up on any idea and left early with friends to hit the designated party spot. We advanced to Gin&Tonic which always helps to drown sorrow.

Oh, but what a joy! About an hour later the chef walks in and after drinking some more makes a beeline straight to me. Hah, I still have what it takes apparently. Will write that down in my book.

Too bad that he was drunk as a skunk by then. So was not really that much of a compliment. He did ask my age though and didn’t run away, which I liked. But that could have also been the amount of alcohol.

He kept coming on to ask me to go for a drink. Wasn’t sure what he meant with “let’s go to the back of the bar” since we were already in the back of the bar. But then I caught a fleeting glance of a very young, blond girl who tried to kill me with its menace. And I knew exactly what I had to do.

I whispered softly in his ear that this is just not my style and neither should it be his. Turned around and ordered another Gin&Tonic with my friends. Very happy though that the 14 years difference didn’t faze him.

PS: do you think my standards are too high? Shouldn’t I just think about what makes me happy? Is it okay to find it weird that a guy wants to make out although his gf is right behind him? What has changed in the last couple of years that this apparently is okay behavior?

Make your vagina happy

“Make your vagina happy!” I had to laugh when I heard these words yesterday. I just had skyped with my friend, listening to her love woes for over 90 minutes but she still found time to leave me with this advice.

When I stopped laughing I noticed that she was right. Something got to change because since two years I am living in a draught. Absolutely freaking dry spell. There was nothing in between except a kissing session. That can’t be healthy.

So I have decided to come up with a game plan to make it rain again in my nether regions. I haven’t taken the pledge (and by the way I am too old for that anyway) so why do I live like that?

It’s not as if I haven’t been active on Tinder. Although I use it mostly to promote my other blog. Still, I have met guys but I just never felt any kind of attraction. And I need a spark before doing the deed.

I also hate it when guys on Tinder already want to close the deal before we have even met. Excuse me? How should I know beforehand if there is even any chemistry. Just because you want to have a “fun date” doesn’t mean that I will be into you.

So I will be adventurous the next couple of months. I promised myself to show sexual prowess. I will keep you posted about what will happen. If you guys have any suggestion of better online sites than Tinder, I would be happy to hear from you.

I miss you

Leaving Aussie guy behind at the 5* hotel in Bangkok was one of the hardest thing to do. First of all it was still early and I knew he was going back to bed and secondly I didn’t know if and when I would see him again.

Apparently he felt the same way because after I had checked in at the airport and had a wi-fi connection I got a text from him that he missed me in his arms already. What can I say? I just melted, probably because he sounded in better shape than last night and maybe, just maybe there would have been a chance to go at it again before he would be sick all over. Plus he called me my love. In hindsight it didn’t mean what it implied but I was ecstatic.

And from then on it all went wrong. Because I answered his one lovely text with about five. Plus I sent another one from the plane. What can I say, it was the first time that I had an Internet connection on a plane. So maybe I should just blame Aeroflot for everything.

Once in Moscow I sent another text, talk about overkill, but then I heard back from him. He had met up with his friends and he was still not feeling well. He was also going home that evening.

Everything that was written above, was written right after everything happened. I don’t really know why I never finished this story. Maybe it was too painful. In a way it still is. But I want to move on with my life and therefore I have decided to write about the end.

We managed to talk twice on the phone. The time difference was a killer. 11 hours are not nothing when you both hold jobs. He promised me that he would like into flights and that he would come and see me in November. I felt loved and cherished by this big guy. I haven’t felt like this in ages. Also I trusted him completely. He was available and reliable and I never feared that I wouldn’t hear from him.

But this is exactly what happened. One day, there was just no answer, no text, no explanation. Just one big silence. And like that he vanished into the night.

Saying goodbye

My last morning dawned, not just with Aussie guy but of my trip. Before meeting Aussie I had been backpacking for three months on my own and had the best time of my life. all of a sudden all of this freedom was to end, plus I had to say goodbye to this dreamy package of a man.

Too bad that our last night together couldn’t have been further from romantic, what with Aussie sleeping the sleep of the dead and me praying for him to recover and hoping for a last bout of sexual activity.

It was not to be. I packed up my things while Aussie talked to the toilet bowl again. What can I say, as much as I felt sorry for him, I felt sorry for myself. Shortly before I left the room he gave me his t-shirt in which I met him the first time. Wouldn’t have thought that he would remember that in his condition, but he did.

He managed to accompany me downstairs and wait with me for my cab and then it was already time to say goodbye. One last kiss and a wave and I was on the way to the airport.

Last day together 

Since this is not a fairy tale all good things must come to an end. I had only booked the bungalow in Koh Samui for a week and was flying back home in two days time.

But before it came to this I still had a day with Aussie hunk who also flew with me to Bangkok. With me might be a little bit exaggerated since I had booked my flight already weeks ago (so much for spontaneous traveling, can’t change the Monk in me) and he only two days before.

When booking my flight I had also splurged on a 20$ hotel near the airport, but with pooL, since I was leaving early the day after. Aussie of course had other ideas (and damn the man I loved him for that) and splurged on a 5* hotel with an outdoor pool on the 10th floor overlooking the city. What can I say, as much as I like to sleep in hostels when I’m backpacking I’m also a sucker for grand gestures and luxury gestures just turn me on!

Anyways so he was flying in the morning from Koh Samui while I still had time to pack leisurely and take the plane at noon. When I arrived at the Sofitel he was already waiting for me at our room and I kid you not the sex was that much better with this gorgeous view over Bangkok. Like an extra kick with the huge window front open for the whole world to see. Of course on the 38th floor no one can see anything.

We spent the little rest of the day with a swim in the magnificent pool and later a visit to the pier for dinner. Our night activity was cut short though because he had caught a stomach bug and needed to get back to the hotel where he spent a significant amount of time in the bathroom while I had to watch tv really loud. Don’t you hate these modern rooms which don’t afford you any privacy?

Anyway I am glad we had had the goodbye sex in the afternoon because once he got into bed he fell into a comatose sleep and that was that.

A magic night

I can’t believe I never finished the story with Aussie guy. This was really a magic week in my life. The whole week now seems like a fairy tale when I look back.
This last evening in Koh Samui we went for dinner at a beach restaurant which had individual “tents” for each table. As far as I remember I think we were actually the only occupied table and service was excellent.

Not just the service but also the attention of Aussie guy which was directed at me and only at me. He was basically eating out of the palm of my hand. On that evening we agreed that we would try to make a go of it. So weird since we lived on the other side of the world. But in this day and age what’s a little bit of travel?

He got us a heart lantern which we lit together and let go and I don’t need to tell you what my wish was. I had fallen for this guy and I had fallen hard. When we walked back that evening after a stop at our usual bar, getting pictures taking by the hostess who wanted to know if we will come back for our honeymoon, we again made good use of the pool and made love for most of the night. There was definitely magic in the air.

Flying through the woods

I had another sleepless night (why should it have been different after a two-day break?) and we woke up to another sunny day. Aussie went out before breakfast to rent us a motorbike and came back with coffee and macaroons. You just had to love this guy! So thoughtful!

Before heading out for breakfast we tested the bed springs again which were still in amazingly good shape (us too). After breakfast we had a zip-lining tour planned, something I had done just the previous month in Laos. I had told Aussie about it and he was all for it. So I booked us onto a tour but we wanted to head to the starting point ourselves. Exploring the island and so.

It was definitely not easy finding the place but eventually we arrived and were told it was just a short walk from the parking. So before going there we sat down for a coffee and then Aussie told me that he was afraid of heights. WTF? Why didn’t he tell me that before? I would never have booked us on this tour if I had known. Because what’s the point? He was afraid and I had already done the most amazing zip-lines in Laos. Really, guys … I will never get them.

To make a long story short we both got into our harness, walked with a group of 15 people to the first high stand and practiced the brake-maneuver. Aussie wanted to go last and just before I went I asked him if he was fine. I told him that would go back with him if he wanted to get out, but he said no, he was be fine. He chickened out the moment I left the high stand. The first minute I was angry but then I decided to enjoy myself. Because didn’t he let me go first so that I had to stay on the course?

Anyway there was nothing else to do than just go ahead and zip through the trees. And I loved it as much as I had loved it in Laos, although the course was shorter and easier. Still it was exhilarating! So when I came back to Aussie who had in the meantime taken a nap in a hammock I was in a great mood. I had also thought about his fear of heights and had started to appreciate his courage to back down before he went on the course. Once on it there would have been no way down for him and he would have ruined this adventure for everyone else. It cannot be easy to admit in front of of strangers that one is afraid.

The rest of the afternoon was spent on the beach after a sumptuous lunch which Aussie started with a whiskey since his stomach trouble had returned. I of course had no such problems after my time on the road and just tucked in. Later I slept on the beach while he went jet-skiing. This time I didn’t go with him; while I liked it the first time, it definitely didn’t thrill me as much as him and I am was sure he would enjoy it more if he went out alone. Also I rather wanted to read my book.

When the sun started to go down we drove back to the little bungalow to get ready for our last evening on the island.

The best of times

After having finally another undisturbed night (amazing how soon one can forget that) I was ready the next morning to pick my Aussie from the airport. He really was coming back for me (or as one of my friends later said who wouldn’t come to good sex and no strings attached) and planned on staying with me all the way to end of my or respectively his trip.

I had arranged for a cab to take me to the airport and since Koh Samui is such a small place we were in and out in under 5 minutes. Aussie was already waiting for me and while I still looked up on the screen he came over and whispered in my ear if the plane had already arrived. I never even recognized him with his cowboy hat on. He looked amazingly like a douche. Never mind, once in the thralls of love you don’t question your chosen one anymore.

We made it back to the bungalow without embarrassing ourselves in the car (the Thai might be used to tourists but still expect you to behave) but then went right back to bed. House cleaning knocked about three times on the door until we eventually left the bungalow for the beach. The rest of the day was spent with sleeping on the beach by Aussie and reading by me.

Before heading out for dinner we tested the new bed sheets and then I had a lovely meal not far from the hotel. Aussie meanwhile went to a pharmacy. He seemed to have caught a stomach bug and felt queasy. So not romantic at all this time since I had to eat alone. That didn’t diminish my appetite though. After traveling for three months I was used to eating alone and had paid my dues in stomach problems. The cure to all that is alcohol.

So before heading home we stopped at a bar near our place which we had already frequented on our second night together. There we were greeted like long-lost friends and the girls behind the bar looked happy for me when I showed up with Aussie again (the evening before I came alone). Gin Tonic always works like a charm and when we cam back to the bungalow Aussie was up for another tumble between the sheets.

He fell asleep like a stone right after, but I lay awake as usual. But I was happy, so happy to be next to my hunky Aussie. He was holding me tight and if I moved around he would just follow me. So lovely!

 

Who would have thought?

Leaving my mobile in the bungalow while going to the beach was the best idea ever. It gave me time to relax and catch up on some much-needed sleep after two almost sleepless nights. When I arrived back in my room in the early evening I had two messages. The first one said that Aussie had safely arrived in Bangkok and was waiting for his connection and the second one was from 10 minutes earlier in which he told me that “he had made a mistake and that he should have stayed with me”.

Wow, I didn’t see that coming. And now, here we go with my usual pattern of not playing by the rules. Because I had nothing better to do than to answer right away, telling him that I would have liked to get to know him better. Which was a kind of an okay answer, but still. I should have just gone for dinner and a massage and should have kept him waiting. But no, Miss ÜberNice has to answer right away. I really don’t get myself. Aussie left me hanging here and still I answer him. And I do it right away!!! Just because he texted something that I wanted to hear. Urgh!!!

And then he said that if I was still up for it he would stay in Chiang Mai for just a day and then come back to Koh Samui. At least here I had the dignity to tell him (although again right away) that I was still up for it but I heard it all before and that he should get the ticket first and then let me know. Yeah, finally a decent answer to his lousy behavior.

The evening was then spent with a couple of more texts and pictures and me telling him at 9:30 that I was going to bed since I had not slept enough with him around. When I woke around midnight I was in pain.

Since I knew the signs I figured I had a UTI. Great, exactly what I needed when I was all alone in a strange country. At least I knew what to do. After another 30 minutes of hoping that my cranberry pills would help I eventually settled on a text to Aussie (no point of not sharing since it was his fault anyway; ok maybe mine too since we were both participating) and on leaving the bungalow. The pain had increased exponentially and the point of self-medication had passed. It was time to look for professional help.

Under the circumstances I was really lucky because after not even 10 minutes of walking on the road I found a taxi at 1:30 in the morning. I asked for either a pharmacy or a hospital but after two closed pharmacies I decided I had no more time to waste.

The hospital visit then was compared to getting there uneventful and except for the embarrassing moment when the doctor asked about how I had gotten the UTI it was pretty straight forward. Not even 30 minutes later did I leave the hospital with antibiotics in hands and in tow of the taxi driver. Soon I was back at the bungalow where I had to wait another half an hour until I could finally go back to bed without too much pain.

The next day then was spent mostly in bed and on the beach. There was really no reason to go anywhere, I just needed to catch up on sleep. So when I got a text in the late afternoon that Aussie had booked his ticket I was elated but still weak. Never mind, he was taking the morning flight to come back to me.