heart break

Here comes ‘the Dad’

I guess I will never learn. Although I haven’t written anything in a long time, i hope some of you are still out there. You know why I haven’t written? Because nothing happened in my life. For pretty long time. I think the cook more than a year ago was the most adventure I had in 2018. So I decided that 2019 must be better.

I started again going on Tinder dates, which to be honest I also did last year. There was just nobody who interested me the least. Then all of a sudden, really out of the blue, I meet this guy on a date and have a really good time. He is younger of course, they always are and already a dad of three at his age. Never mind, this is not my problem.

So we have this great first date where I really felt we had something in common. Bedside the age difference and a lot of tattoos on his side. I liked him. I also liked that he stayed in touch and asked for another date already the next day.

So two days later we meet in the afternoon instead of the evening and even sober I have the feeling that this is a good guy. So when we see each other the third time we land at my place and he stays over. Let’s not go into details but I loved it.

The plan was from the beginning to meet the next day again. Which he then canceled relatively last minute because he had been drinking already since 4pm. It was a work day btw and I was still in the office at that time. I decided against going to the bar to meet him, there is really no point meeting up at 7:30 when someone is quite far ahead in the game.

We met two days later though when he picked me up from an evening class, went to see a football game in a pub (I love football, so no drama here) and missed the second half by going somewhere else instead to talk (his idea, not mine). He stayed again the night and gave me lift the next morning to the office.

He was texting until I left the Friday of that week to go on a two week trip alone. We stayed in touch while he left two days after me to go on a business trip 11 hours time difference away from my location. Still, I felt there was less interest coming from him. First I thought it’s a business trip after all, so no sweat.

So last Saturday we texted last and he was flying back home the next day. Then nothing from him anymore. So this morning I texted him, asking how the homecoming was and told him that it was already my last day in the area. He saw the text and the picture (from the beach). And I also saw him online at different times on what’s app and still no message for me.

I don’t understand. I mean I understand that he has no interest anymore but I don’t get what happened. I hate this ghosting. Thee is really nothing worse than this. Not sure if there is anything that I can do to improve the situation except move on again with my life. As much as I’m upset that this is happening again, I am also glad to note that at least I can still fall in love. I really thought I had lost it. Because with the chef it was definitely not love.

The question here is really, just in case he does get in touch again, what am I to do?

No apology but an excuse nonetheless

After not hearing from B all day was so angry in the evening that I sent him another text asking him if he was pulling the same stunt he did a couple of months ago? Vanishing and then weeks later sending little messages. What’s the matter with him? Why can’t he just say that all he wants is the one thing and be done with it? There is really no need for all the other bs, his nice words and talking about feelings…

I was very glad that I left the city on Thursday for a long weekend in Moscow. Have never been there and was looking forward to a long and relaxing stay at a very posh hotel! That Thursday evening I got a text from telling me that he fell asleep on Tuesday afternoon and slept until 1am and the next day he had to leave for Slovenia again. There was a death in the family and the funeral was on Friday.

What I can I say to this? I sent a text with my deepest sympathy and left it at that. It doesn’t change anything! I have to accept the fact that “he is just not that into me”. Otherwise there would have been a text at 1am to say he was sorry, that he overslept. Whatever… something. But there has never been anything and stupid as I am, I was giving him chance after chance.

And my heart is still betraying me. Yesterday when I arrived back home I was looking for him in the arrival hall. We talked about it, I told him when I would be back. And he was making jokes about waiting for me with a big welcome sign. Why do I still want that? Why can I not just accept that there will never be an “us”? I have to be strong now, there is no way back!

Shame on me

There is this saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” I am now definitely a fool now!

B and I saw each other Monday night. He texted shortly before 8pm and then called me on my mobile. He was back in Vienna and wanted to know what I was doing. I told him that I was meeting some friends. First he wanted to meet the next day for lunch. When I asked him if he was not working he told me that he had quit his job and was now taking some time off. In the end we decided to meet on Tuesday evening and that we would get in touch in the afternoon for details. Before hanging up he said if I was bored before going to bed I could give him a call.

Which I did, fool that I am. I called him and after 10 minutes on the phone invited him over. Alcohol really makes you lose reason and inhibition. The moment I hung up I knew I made a mistake. But how could I back out of it?

We spent the night together, he was super attentive, cute, said all the right things. Could not have been better. Also it felt so familiar being next to him, being held by him. But truth be told I held back, I didn’t want to be sucked in again so quick, you know? Not pouring out my heart to him, I thought I would just wait and see. Which is so unlike me!

The next morning he gave me a lift to the office. We were still on for the evening. Said we would watch tv together and snack on chips and popcorn. We kissed goodbye and I felt like on cloud seven, walked into the office with a huge goofy grin on my face. Had my doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, sent him a text right after and have not heard back since then.

And although I knew is unreliable, a douche and an a**, it really hurts again…

Stupid, stupid me

I am not sure where it all went wrong again. But here it is.
I met this guy, let’s call him B, last fall via an online dating site. We hit it off not right away but there were definitely sparks. And then I fell for him, and then I went on vacation.
THe moment I am back, while staying in touch with him all the time during my vacation, all of a sudden he is super busy and can only find time a week after my return to see me.
Long story short, that was the only time after my vacation that we saw each other. Three days later he stopped answering calls and texts. And that was that.

For Christmas and New Year’s I got a short impersonal message, to which I replied that by now I no longer wished to stay in touch. I mean what was the point. To be completely honest, I still thought about him from time to time. He was rather cute…

So when I left for vacation again in February I sent an e-mail just before taking-off that I still missed him. And when I arrived I had a text back from him. Saying he missed me too plus sending his number along. So we started to text a bit while I was on vacation. We even talked on viber once. He didn’t say much except that he was really happy that I got in touch and that he missed me a lot. But that he himself would not have gotten in touch with me! Wow, what a bummer!!!

Still we kind of kept in touch during the three weeks I was gone. A week before my return I asked him to pick me up from the airport. He complied, telling me that looked forward to seeing me. I had an overnight flight with a stop in Paris before arriving in Vienna at noon. In Paris I checked my mails and messages, no cancellation from him. But of course there was one when I arrived in Vienna. He had sent it an hour before my arrival. Why was I not more surprised!

Which I also told him, maybe in different words. He finally got in touch again the next day, asking how I have been and so on. My cool reaction made him actually call me this time and tell me that he really wanted to see me and that he would pick me up the next day from work and take me out for dinner.
Next day came around, no call, no message, no nothing from him.
At 5:30 I left the office and made my way to the gym. As if I had know it, I took my sports bag with me that morning. Sport always makes me feel better about myself!

When I arrived home, I was mad! I What a jerk and how stupid was I to put up with all his crap! So I sent a text that I was already home and quite hungry, asking him when he would show up and where we would go.
More apologies later, and lots of almost tear jerking texts about him wanting see me, feel me, and be close to me, he promised to be at my office the next day and bring me to my friend’s place. Since I had plans for the rest of the week and was in the mood to cancel anything! Honestly I didn’t expect him to show up after I had told him what a jerk he was.

It seemed he was not so impressed with me calling him names cause he showed up the next day, right on time. When I got in the car I wanted to hear an apology or something. And here it is again my high expectation problem! People will never live up my expectations, I should really get rid of this notion. I should dig deeper into this why I am I expecting so much.
So two minutes into the car ride I have already told him three times what an a** he was. The only thing he did was to clam up completely. Telling me he was not at fault, his job was very important. Cause the reason he couldn’t be at the airport was that he had to work in another city about 5 hours away from here. As if!! he wouldn’t know already the evening before that he wouldn’t make it? I mean , what is the big deal about canceling on time. And also the next day? Just sending a text that it would not work. But no, apologizing is not for him.

He brought me to my friend, I got out and told him, this had just confirmed what I thought about him. Which was that the was a superficial egomaniac, and I didn’t say that out loud. But I thought it, no reason to get into an even bigger fight.
So when I went up to friend’s place, I wrote him a text that this was a shame.
And later on he wrote back, no sorry, it was a shame about us. I of course wrote something back and later even called again when I left my friend. He didn’t pick up again and there was also no reaction to my last text that said that a job is just a job, but people are not replaceable.

Maybe I wanted too much, on the other hand I still think I deserve more respect than what I got from him. Not cancelling on time, not calling means not thinking and not caring about the other person. And isn’t that a minimum requirement for a relationship?
So why am I still sad?