Shame on me

There is this saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” I am now definitely a fool now!

B and I saw each other Monday night. He texted shortly before 8pm and then called me on my mobile. He was back in Vienna and wanted to know what I was doing. I told him that I was meeting some friends. First he wanted to meet the next day for lunch. When I asked him if he was not working he told me that he had quit his job and was now taking some time off. In the end we decided to meet on Tuesday evening and that we would get in touch in the afternoon for details. Before hanging up he said if I was bored before going to bed I could give him a call.

Which I did, fool that I am. I called him and after 10 minutes on the phone invited him over. Alcohol really makes you lose reason and inhibition. The moment I hung up I knew I made a mistake. But how could I back out of it?

We spent the night together, he was super attentive, cute, said all the right things. Could not have been better. Also it felt so familiar being next to him, being held by him. But truth be told I held back, I didn’t want to be sucked in again so quick, you know? Not pouring out my heart to him, I thought I would just wait and see. Which is so unlike me!

The next morning he gave me a lift to the office. We were still on for the evening. Said we would watch tv together and snack on chips and popcorn. We kissed goodbye and I felt like on cloud seven, walked into the office with a huge goofy grin on my face. Had my doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, sent him a text right after and have not heard back since then.

And although I knew is unreliable, a douche and an a**, it really hurts again…

Numb

After sending my text last week to B. I was waiting breathless for his answer. It never came. Actually I think he never saw it, clicked on it or I don’t know what. With “What’s app” you usually get two check marks when I message has been received and seen. At least I always understood it like this. Now my message to him still shows only one check mark which is quite frustrating.
Therefore I sent another text today saying the I would like to meet him again. Still only one check mark.

I believe that even I will give up if there is no answer from him. Still, this is so unlike me to go on and on and on. It is almost unbearable to confront myself with the fact that I have contacted him now three times and only got an answer once. Even though the first one was successful. But what does successful even mean? That he wrote back telling me that he missed me as well? But also telling me he would have never gotten in touch? And what is the meaning of his writing that he wants to try again, be with me, that he still thinks about the times we spent together? How it felt being next to me?
I wish I understand what’s going on in his mind!

Interestingly enough I don’t feel bad about myself for writing to him. I don’t even feel embarrassed that I am the one chasing him. I just mean to get some kind closure. And if it’s not coming from then the passing time will make sure of it.

In other news V. is still constantly in touch with me. Needing to see me, needing to talk to me and begging me to join him on his trip to Peru. Isn’t it funny how life plays out? One always wants what one cannot have.