You won’t believe it because I almost don’t, but the chef is back in my life. It’s so easy to forget about everything and throw my principles (do I even have any?) overboard.
I got back from vacation and the very next day I got a “happy new year” text from him. So now we are back on after texting back and forth the better part of the last two weeks. We even exchanged a couple of pictures (not what you think) and the more I see of him the less I find him sexy. That was already the problem before seeing him the first time. He definitely scores in the personality department. But he f*cked that up over Christmas.
So now I find myself confused. On the one hand I just want to do the deed. I have been talking about it so long it is really time to take the plunge and go for it. On the other hand I like him, but maybe only as a what’s app lover? Or should I just shut up and see what the evening brings?
These voices in my head get louder and louder and I know I am stupid because this is a second date that will, except if something goes super wrong, turn into my long-wished for sexual re-awakening. And I need that. My body needs that. And also my mental health! So maybe I should just drink a bit, get stimulated on sushi that he brings over (from the best place in town!) and go for it.
I loved what my friend told me yesterday. To relax because he should be the one to be nervous. I am the mature and experienced older woman with lots of lovers (okay, so maybe not lots but age appropriate) and I know what I want. Which is true. I do know what I want most of the times. I just don’t understand why I always get so insecure. And hung up on little details. And so dependent on the kindness of some guy. Arghh!
In any case, please God (if you are out there) let it happen tonight. I have to get back on this proverbial horse and just get the elephant out of the room. I feel like a reborn virgin again. And this must end. Tonight! Wish me luck!