what’s app

Second date with tatooed chef

You won’t believe it because I almost don’t, but the chef is back in my life. It’s so easy to forget about everything and throw my principles (do I even have any?) overboard.

I got back from vacation and the very next day I got a “happy new year” text from him. So now we are back on after texting back and forth the better part of the last two weeks. We even exchanged a couple of pictures (not what you think) and the more I see of him the less I find him sexy. That was already the problem before seeing him the first time. He definitely scores in the personality department. But he f*cked that up over Christmas.

So now I find myself confused. On the one hand I just want to do the deed. I have been talking about it so long it is really time to take the plunge and go for it. On the other hand I like him, but maybe only as a what’s app lover? Or should I just shut up and see what the evening brings?

These voices in my head get louder and louder and I know I am stupid because this is a second date that will, except if something goes super wrong, turn into my long-wished for sexual re-awakening. And I need that. My body needs that. And also my mental health! So maybe I should just drink a bit, get stimulated on sushi that he brings over (from the best place in town!) and go for it.

I loved what my friend told me yesterday. To relax because he should be the one to be nervous. I am the mature and experienced older woman with lots of lovers (okay, so maybe not lots but age appropriate) and I know what I want. Which is true. I do know what I want most of the times. I just don’t understand why I always get so insecure. And hung up on little details. And so dependent on the kindness of some guy. Arghh!

In any case, please God (if you are out there) let it happen tonight. I have to get back on this proverbial horse and just get the elephant out of the room. I feel like a reborn virgin again. And this must end. Tonight! Wish me luck!

 

The tattooed chef

So recently I decided to take Tinder more serious (isn’t that actually a contradiction?) and try to go on some actual dates. Not just ones in my head, but real ones with real people. I find this kind of hard because the guys who write to me disqualify themselves after a couple of texts and then I just get bored.

So then one day this chef writes to me and I feel a spark of interest from the onset. Who would have thought this was still possible? What astonished me the most was that I gave out my number. Willingly! Haven’t done that in years, usually I wait until after the first date.

We messaged back and forth and even after agreeing on an actual date he kept on writing. I like that, I really do. Nothing worse than writing nicely and once a date has been agreed all of a sudden communication stops. I find that weird and most often cancel dates after that. It kind of gives me the feeling that the guy isn’t interested at all.

So the tattooed chef is different and therefore I overlook his spelling errors which are usually a no-go for me. Absolutely kill any buzz. But I like him, I like the way he writes and what he writes and even though I don’t find him sexy on his picture I find that he looks kind. My friend is sure though that I won’t have sex with him. Kind never does the trick for a one-night-stand.

In any case we meet late. It’s Christmas season and always in advent I am busy. Everybody wants to meet, to party or just go for a drink and I only have a Saturday evening available. Since he is a chef he can’t leave before 9pm and we eventually settle on 9:30. Normally I won’t even get off the couch much less out of my jogger. But in this case I do even though it’s my only evening at home.

And he impresses me by being early. Which I love! And even though I am not initially impressed with him I am nervous. Haven’t felt like this in a long time. So we sit in this Gin and Tonic bar and drink one after another. And the more I drink the more interesting he gets. And all of a sudden I find he is not one-night-stand but ‘let’s meet again’ material. Why oh why do I always have to change course? Especially after 7 G&T.

Because the end result was some very intense kissing. Really, really intense and I am glad we haven’t been booked for indecent behavior on the streets. But I went home alone. And wasn’t the mission to just get laid?? I should always focus on my mission, keep that on the forefront of my mind.

I got some more lovely texts the next morning and even a shirtless picture but after that it kind of dried out. I don’t know what exactly happened but something went awry and we lost touch 6 days after our date.

So what happened? It all goes from 100 downhill. And to be honest he was not the kind of guy I would have wanted a relationship to begin with. 14 years younger, really heavily tattooed, a beard and a small pouch at his age already. So what happened to my brain? Did the alcohol turn it all to mush?

And what do I take away from another date gone haywire? Okay maybe not the date, just the aftermath. I like to think that I am back in the game. There are still people out there that I find attractive. Second, I should drink less and keep my eye on the ball. The point is now to get laid. Everything else is secondary. Will keep you posted on how I’m doing.

PS: don’t get it though why I still think about the chef.

Surprise, surprise

I spent my morning sleeping, breakfasting and then finally going to the beach when I got a text from Aussie guy asking me if I still wanted to go jet-skiing with him today. Really, he texted? After a ONS? Who would have thought that.

I mean I had put him down as a really nice guy, but still I was surprised in a good way. On the other hand maybe he just wanted some more of the good stuff. After all we were both on vacation. Mine was more like a trip of a life time with three months ending here on this island but he was really just on vacation fleeing winter in Australia.

Around 3:30pm or so he picked me up from my end of the beach to then walk all the way back to a jet-ski rental. I noticed that our ‘hello’ seemed natural enough, he might have been nervous but I definitely wasn’t. I expected nothing and had therefore nothing to lose.

He rented a jet-ski and I sat down in front of him. Being held by him (or at least to have the chance to lean into him) while on this thing of hell felt great. He was very much into it and told me the whole time that the jet-ski he had at home was more powerful and could do better stuff. Who really cares about that? I don’t even like to drive a car. But I loved that I was sitting in front with his arms around me and him always checking that the ride was good for me. This guy just got better and better.

After we gave back the jet-ski we decided on visiting another beach which he had checked out the day before with his mates. With his motorbike we drove first back to the rental place to get a another helmet for him. I never met a person before who was so concerned for safety and also lived it. So far on my whole trip in SE Asia I wasn’t wearing a helmet once. But he insisted. I of course took that as a sign that he cared.

When we finally arrived at the beach it was already late afternoon. We walked together into the water and then we just kept hugging each other. He was the one who kept standing and I was tightly wrapped around his body. Poor Aussie hurt his feet a lot on the sharp stones that were in the water. It was not easy to just stand still.

While in the water we talked again that he was leaving the next day for Chang Mai but that he really wanted to stay with me instead. I told him that my offer was still on the table. Plus we both told each other that we were very much into each other! We eventually made it out of the water (there was a certain waiting period involved until Monsieur could walk out) and drove back to my place.

Suddenly though we had a flat tire and no repair place nearby. I wanted to walk to town while he found help but he insisted on my staying at a restaurant close by, drinking something and relaxing while took care of it. He even gave me money because I had nothing on me.

By then I felt something shifting inside me. This guy was so young (11 years my junior) but so nice (and again I mean that in the best possible way) and I noticed that I fell for him. How is that possible after one day? Was I really so love-starved that I needed attention so much?

When he finally picked me up again he drove first to his cleaner to get his laundry which he already wanted to leave at my place  So it was decided. He would cancel the trip with his mates and stay with me for the rest of his vacation.

Same old, same old

Yesterday was a national holiday and after a late morning run I was sitting at home trying to catch my breath when I suddenly get a text from B. via what’s app. I haven’t heard from hom since April 11 when he told me that he was back in Slovenia for a funeral. Since then nothing, nada, zip.
So yesterday all of a sudden I get his text in which he tells me that he doesn’t like Vienna at all, that hasn’t been back the last couple of weeks and already looks forward to Friday when he goes back to Slovenia. Apparently he turned int a country bumpkin (his words).
I said hello and that is was nice to hear from him. And then I asked if he wanted to talk on the phone. I am not sure what I wanted to say to him, but am tired of always texting via what’s app. That’s not a conversation, it’s just a pile of words. So he wrote back that he would love to in the evening. Because now that he is here he wants to drive to his brother’s place and see his nieces.
So I told him sure, he should just give me a call. If I was still out I would call him when I was back home. I had plans myself yesterday afternoon and went wine tasting with some friends.
Returned home around 8pm, quite inhibited and almost fell asleep on the couch.
He deigned to send a text at 9:30pm that he was now out himself…?
What was there not to understand, I told him he should get in touch when he was available and if I was still out I would call back. Whatever!!
Of course I am angry with myself that he still enervates me. Why oh why am I not standing above this? Why do I still take this to heart. I know that his text was some kind of weird excuse for him. He never gets in touch when he is not in the country and this was probably his way of explaining. But what’s the point. He doesn’t care, not about me or my feelings. Why does he even get in touch? Maybe he just wants to have a good time while he is here and then he goes back home to his wife/gf. I still believe there is someone. Maybe if I ever see or hear him again I will have the courage to ask him. He might not even lie. Because what would be the point?
I don’t think he will get in touch today. He probably has plans and tomorrow he goes south again. He will probably text again when he is in the city.
But I am proud as well cause I deleted his texts already this morning. Ok, I was disappointed after waking up at 6am and seeing he never texted or called during the night. Will I be ever smart with this guy?

Will I ever learn?

Yesterday evening I went out with friends for sushi and afterwards for football. Watching the Champions League semifinal between Borussia Dortmund and Real Madrid in room full of guys made me realize how lonely I felt. So when I cam home I had nothing better to do than to send a text to B. Actually copying one of his in which he said that he was always checking What’s App! if there is any message from me and never seeing one. So I copied it and just brought it up to date, hoping to hear from him. And guess what?? I got no answer. Although he read it shortly after midnight, no answer.
How come I cannot get over this jerk? Why am I always going back for more BS? Or even worse nothing at all? I don’t understand myself, my head is telling me since a very long time that this guy is just not for me. That he only makes me miserable waiting for him to call or make time for me. He is definitely “just not that into me”. So why am I going back for more and more? I do not recognize myself. I am not this kind of person.
Please, please let me get this into my heart: He is not the one!!

All quiet on the text front

Ten days I ago I heard the last time from B. Since then my phone has been quiet at least in regards to his texts and calls. I assume he is still in Slovenia, probably with his girlfriend or wife. A notion that never left me in all these months that we are dealing with each other. I still have this feeling that there is someone else in his life.
I also believe that he will get in touch once he is back in Vienna. I am still not sure how I will react to this. My head tells me to ignore all his communications. It makes no sense to stay in touch with him, nothing will change. We have been through the same already a couple of times now.
My head also tells me to not even waste a thought on all of this. I haven’t heard from him so far and I shouldn’t answer anyway.
My heart of course tells a different story, but one that is not coming into play since I haven’t heard from him. Non-communication makes keeping resolutions a lot easier!

Numb

After sending my text last week to B. I was waiting breathless for his answer. It never came. Actually I think he never saw it, clicked on it or I don’t know what. With “What’s app” you usually get two check marks when I message has been received and seen. At least I always understood it like this. Now my message to him still shows only one check mark which is quite frustrating.
Therefore I sent another text today saying the I would like to meet him again. Still only one check mark.

I believe that even I will give up if there is no answer from him. Still, this is so unlike me to go on and on and on. It is almost unbearable to confront myself with the fact that I have contacted him now three times and only got an answer once. Even though the first one was successful. But what does successful even mean? That he wrote back telling me that he missed me as well? But also telling me he would have never gotten in touch? And what is the meaning of his writing that he wants to try again, be with me, that he still thinks about the times we spent together? How it felt being next to me?
I wish I understand what’s going on in his mind!

Interestingly enough I don’t feel bad about myself for writing to him. I don’t even feel embarrassed that I am the one chasing him. I just mean to get some kind closure. And if it’s not coming from then the passing time will make sure of it.

In other news V. is still constantly in touch with me. Needing to see me, needing to talk to me and begging me to join him on his trip to Peru. Isn’t it funny how life plays out? One always wants what one cannot have.