New beginning

Last week I made a decisive step. I deleted all online dating profiles that I had. And there were many. I think I registered with three. With one of them I had been already since 2007. And never in between have I deleted my profile, but only deactivated it so that I could always come back when I wanted to.

Last week I decided that I had enough. I never met anyone really, really special online. Some nice guys, yes, but more douches. And I don’t want to waste my time anymore meeting uninteresting people. I have so many nice friends, I rather spend time with them.

So it was a big step for me to delete it all and I feel so much better for it! Since coming back from Brazil in March I am saving money for my trip. I want to take a year off and just travel the world or at least parts of it. And I also adjusted my life to make these necessary savings. I noticed that I don’t care so much about guys anymore and meeting men is not a priority. To be honest it wouldn’t work with my plan to meet someone now. I want to leave and not be attached to someone.

But it’s kind of interesting what is happening once you are not looking anymore. Last week I met my ex-boyfriend G. whom I dated to years ago. I didn’t go and say hello, the break-up was not so nice. Although to be honest it was me who didn’t want anymore, it was him who cut me of on Facebook. I felt back like in kindergarten. Anyway, I passed him and we had like eye contact for a second. The next day I had an e-mail in my inbox, if it was me who last night. Very funny, of course I never mailed back. Been there, done that. No reason for revisiting!

Yesterday I went swimming with friends and H. joined us. I know him since more 20 years, have always wanted him in a way, but also thought that this friendship is worth a lot more than risking it something casual. I don’t think it would have ever worked. Anyway, he called kind of out of the blue and asked what I was doing. He spent the day with us and it was really relaxing. I like how everything is just happening. No hassle, no drama, just a good vibe.

Shame on me

There is this saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” I am now definitely a fool now!

B and I saw each other Monday night. He texted shortly before 8pm and then called me on my mobile. He was back in Vienna and wanted to know what I was doing. I told him that I was meeting some friends. First he wanted to meet the next day for lunch. When I asked him if he was not working he told me that he had quit his job and was now taking some time off. In the end we decided to meet on Tuesday evening and that we would get in touch in the afternoon for details. Before hanging up he said if I was bored before going to bed I could give him a call.

Which I did, fool that I am. I called him and after 10 minutes on the phone invited him over. Alcohol really makes you lose reason and inhibition. The moment I hung up I knew I made a mistake. But how could I back out of it?

We spent the night together, he was super attentive, cute, said all the right things. Could not have been better. Also it felt so familiar being next to him, being held by him. But truth be told I held back, I didn’t want to be sucked in again so quick, you know? Not pouring out my heart to him, I thought I would just wait and see. Which is so unlike me!

The next morning he gave me a lift to the office. We were still on for the evening. Said we would watch tv together and snack on chips and popcorn. We kissed goodbye and I felt like on cloud seven, walked into the office with a huge goofy grin on my face. Had my doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, sent him a text right after and have not heard back since then.

And although I knew is unreliable, a douche and an a**, it really hurts again…

Stupid, stupid me

I am not sure where it all went wrong again. But here it is.
I met this guy, let’s call him B, last fall via an online dating site. We hit it off not right away but there were definitely sparks. And then I fell for him, and then I went on vacation.
THe moment I am back, while staying in touch with him all the time during my vacation, all of a sudden he is super busy and can only find time a week after my return to see me.
Long story short, that was the only time after my vacation that we saw each other. Three days later he stopped answering calls and texts. And that was that.

For Christmas and New Year’s I got a short impersonal message, to which I replied that by now I no longer wished to stay in touch. I mean what was the point. To be completely honest, I still thought about him from time to time. He was rather cute…

So when I left for vacation again in February I sent an e-mail just before taking-off that I still missed him. And when I arrived I had a text back from him. Saying he missed me too plus sending his number along. So we started to text a bit while I was on vacation. We even talked on viber once. He didn’t say much except that he was really happy that I got in touch and that he missed me a lot. But that he himself would not have gotten in touch with me! Wow, what a bummer!!!

Still we kind of kept in touch during the three weeks I was gone. A week before my return I asked him to pick me up from the airport. He complied, telling me that looked forward to seeing me. I had an overnight flight with a stop in Paris before arriving in Vienna at noon. In Paris I checked my mails and messages, no cancellation from him. But of course there was one when I arrived in Vienna. He had sent it an hour before my arrival. Why was I not more surprised!

Which I also told him, maybe in different words. He finally got in touch again the next day, asking how I have been and so on. My cool reaction made him actually call me this time and tell me that he really wanted to see me and that he would pick me up the next day from work and take me out for dinner.
Next day came around, no call, no message, no nothing from him.
At 5:30 I left the office and made my way to the gym. As if I had know it, I took my sports bag with me that morning. Sport always makes me feel better about myself!

When I arrived home, I was mad! I What a jerk and how stupid was I to put up with all his crap! So I sent a text that I was already home and quite hungry, asking him when he would show up and where we would go.
More apologies later, and lots of almost tear jerking texts about him wanting see me, feel me, and be close to me, he promised to be at my office the next day and bring me to my friend’s place. Since I had plans for the rest of the week and was in the mood to cancel anything! Honestly I didn’t expect him to show up after I had told him what a jerk he was.

It seemed he was not so impressed with me calling him names cause he showed up the next day, right on time. When I got in the car I wanted to hear an apology or something. And here it is again my high expectation problem! People will never live up my expectations, I should really get rid of this notion. I should dig deeper into this why I am I expecting so much.
So two minutes into the car ride I have already told him three times what an a** he was. The only thing he did was to clam up completely. Telling me he was not at fault, his job was very important. Cause the reason he couldn’t be at the airport was that he had to work in another city about 5 hours away from here. As if!! he wouldn’t know already the evening before that he wouldn’t make it? I mean , what is the big deal about canceling on time. And also the next day? Just sending a text that it would not work. But no, apologizing is not for him.

He brought me to my friend, I got out and told him, this had just confirmed what I thought about him. Which was that the was a superficial egomaniac, and I didn’t say that out loud. But I thought it, no reason to get into an even bigger fight.
So when I went up to friend’s place, I wrote him a text that this was a shame.
And later on he wrote back, no sorry, it was a shame about us. I of course wrote something back and later even called again when I left my friend. He didn’t pick up again and there was also no reaction to my last text that said that a job is just a job, but people are not replaceable.

Maybe I wanted too much, on the other hand I still think I deserve more respect than what I got from him. Not cancelling on time, not calling means not thinking and not caring about the other person. And isn’t that a minimum requirement for a relationship?
So why am I still sad?