The standards of personal hygiene while dating

I am really trying to keep my side of the bargain and go on dates. There is just no way around it if I ever want to meet someone. Probably. I could also hope to meet him in the supermarket or some other obscure place.

But let’s be honest, online dating is a useful tool. And not everyone you meet on Tinder just wants to have sex. At least not right away. Or maybe this is the wrong to way to go about. Maybe I should just look for someone who wants to only have sex and just get it over with. And enjoy it while doing so.

By my rambling you must realize that apparently I don’t even know myself what I want. Do I look for a casual hook up or do I want a long-term relationship? Then Tinder is most likely not the best place to start.

But I should start by hopping in the sack with someone. Let’s look for a hookup.

So the date I had yesterday was totally wrong for that. He, let’s call him “Smelly Cat” in honor of Phoebe on Friends, was totally wrong for that.

First of all we met for lunch. Works for me, cause I don’t always go. So when I do I can take a bit longer. We met at a really yummy place not far from work and kissed hello. Yes, we do that in Europe. It’s not a big deal to do the kissy-kissy on the cheeks.

But holy moly had he bad breath. I almost fainted and not in a good way. And then he wanted to sit next to me instead of across. Which in hindsight was probably better anyway.

Besides this obvious strike against him, he was also too old. Although younger than I by a year, I had the feeling I sat next to a middle-aged man. Which he was, because I am middle-aged too. But I don’t feel like it. And he definitely felt like it. And acted like it.

Plus he didn’t eat lunch. Who suggests a lunch date to then only drink coffee? How weird is that? So I sat there, enjoying a wonderful lunch while he had a cappuccino. No, that really doesn’t work for me. If you meet me for a meal and then don’t eat, that’s it with us. This will never work.

Because of course the halitosis is bad but there is a chance it is curable. Maybe. So basically if I would have fallen in love at first sight I could have …

Maybe let’s not go there. Whatever chances the guy had, they were instantly crushed by the halitosis. Let’s be realistic about this. Everything else is secondary.

Can we talk about the standards of personal hygiene then? Is is too much to ask that you brush your teeth and floss regularly? And also know a dentist whom you see on a regular basis? I thought at this time and age people have already realized that there is a minimum of personal hygiene required when you meet someone for a date. Argh, I can’t even write about it anymore. Just thinking of this smell gives me the shivers again. So please guys, if any of you are even reading that, a toothbrush is not only an accessory in the bathroom! You have to actually use it!

So what have I learned while on this date? Never meet for lunch. Especially not on a weekday. Because then i can’t drink. And some dates require a lot of drinks just to get through them.

 

The standards of dating

This is not a Tinder story, but it definitely could be. Last weekend I was invited to a party. More like an event than a party at my age.

The evening started with dinner and since we were many, the hosts had drawn a seating chart. In front of the chart stood the chef of the restaurant. Young, cute and quite the charmer.

I batted my eyes a bit and hoped for the best. And it worked! He noticed me and we started some chitchat. Of course during dinner there was no chance to see him. When it was time for dessert it was him who handed it out.

By then I was hopelessly “smitten”; you won’t believe how good the food was which added immensely to his sex appeal. While drinking shots with the other guest I kept up eye contact from time to time. I really thought I was one smooth cougar.

But then I heard that he has a girlfriend. Ugh, of course. How could it be otherwise. I gave up on any idea and left early with friends to hit the designated party spot. We advanced to Gin&Tonic which always helps to drown sorrow.

Oh, but what a joy! About an hour later the chef walks in and after drinking some more makes a beeline straight to me. Hah, I still have what it takes apparently. Will write that down in my book.

Too bad that he was drunk as a skunk by then. So was not really that much of a compliment. He did ask my age though and didn’t run away, which I liked. But that could have also been the amount of alcohol.

He kept coming on to ask me to go for a drink. Wasn’t sure what he meant with “let’s go to the back of the bar” since we were already in the back of the bar. But then I caught a fleeting glance of a very young, blond girl who tried to kill me with its menace. And I knew exactly what I had to do.

I whispered softly in his ear that this is just not my style and neither should it be his. Turned around and ordered another Gin&Tonic with my friends. Very happy though that the 14 years difference didn’t faze him.

PS: do you think my standards are too high? Shouldn’t I just think about what makes me happy? Is it okay to find it weird that a guy wants to make out although his gf is right behind him? What has changed in the last couple of years that this apparently is okay behavior?

Make your vagina happy

“Make your vagina happy!” I had to laugh when I heard these words yesterday. I just had skyped with my friend, listening to her love woes for over 90 minutes but she still found time to leave me with this advice.

When I stopped laughing I noticed that she was right. Something got to change because since two years I am living in a draught. Absolutely freaking dry spell. There was nothing in between except a kissing session. That can’t be healthy.

So I have decided to come up with a game plan to make it rain again in my nether regions. I haven’t taken the pledge (and by the way I am too old for that anyway) so why do I live like that?

It’s not as if I haven’t been active on Tinder. Although I use it mostly to promote my other blog. Still, I have met guys but I just never felt any kind of attraction. And I need a spark before doing the deed.

I also hate it when guys on Tinder already want to close the deal before we have even met. Excuse me? How should I know beforehand if there is even any chemistry. Just because you want to have a “fun date” doesn’t mean that I will be into you.

So I will be adventurous the next couple of months. I promised myself to show sexual prowess. I will keep you posted about what will happen. If you guys have any suggestion of better online sites than Tinder, I would be happy to hear from you.

The night is not for sleeping

Of course there was not a chance that I could sleep during this night. First of all I can never sleep next to someone I don’t know, especially if this someone is a guy and holding me in his arms. The heat alone keeps me awake. And then of course Aussie had only started with his administrations to my body.

Since we had used all protection I really thought this was it for the night. But young guys are young for a reason and they have a lot more stamina than older ones (yeah, way to go). So what felt like an hour but was probably just a couple of minutes later he was already in the mood again. However now we faced the problem that there was nothing available anymore and it was in the middle of the night. But guess what?

He told me he would check something and get back asap. I thought this was going to be it and tried to get some sleep while he was gone. Surely nothing on this island would be open and anyway I was all the way at the end of the beach. But not even ten minutes later Aussie was back in the room. He had given the night security a big tip and the guy gave him a lift to the next 7-eleven store where he bought everything from condoms to lube.

First I was insulted that he had bought some lube but when he explained that he didn’t want to hurt me I found it charming. And anyway I really needed it because I would not have made it through the night without the added layer of lubrication. I still don’t know if this is an age issue or not. Or maybe it’s just me?

As it turned out Aussie was quite provident. We need it his purchase again in the morning. By then I was sure I would never walk again and was more than grateful for the lube.  What a hunk!

Let’s go to sleep

We rushed from the pool to the bungalow and landed immediately on the bed after a perfunctorily towel using. The AC had been on full blast before so that when we checked the room first we had to increase the heat and wait out the warming of the room in the pool. As much as we had the hots for each other we both didn’t want to freeze to death while doing it.

So when we could finally use the room we towel dried each other only superficially and moved right away to the bed. Oh heaven, it was perfect. There had been nobody since Special K and this had already been a while ago. And although I was afraid that it wouldn’t be good the first time, there was no reason for it. I might have been a bit unprepared in all possible ways and we were both in such a hurry to do the deed to not make time for me to be fully in slick mode.

Still, it was perfect the first time around and I was more than happy to use one of my two condoms that I had brought with me on this trip! Afterwards we were so sweaty that we took another dip in the pool (gross, I know) and when we came back to the bungalow we took more time to enjoy each other. By then it was obvious for both of us that even though I was totally hot for Aussie, my body was not showing the right signs.

Is that an age thing? If you haven’t done it in a long time, can you really dry up? Is it therefore necessary to always do it and if nobody is at hands then do it myself?

Questions over questions but while the second time was as good as the first I felt a bit raw already and not just because my body was not reacting the way it’s supposed to but also because Aussie was a hunk. Something I never ever thought I would complain about but in this situation a little bit smaller would have gone a long way.

At least after the second time all condoms were used and I knew this was it for the night. I tried to fall asleep which was as always impossible with someone new next to me and anyway Aussie had different plans. But until then he held me tightly in his arms so that nobody could steal me away. Really the best way to fall asleep if you can.

In the pool

With just a few kissing stops along the beach Aussie and I made it back to my bungalow. Walking next to the sea and holding hands felt so real and good, I didn’t need anything else. I was already more than happy with this evening.

Once we arrived at my place we decided to hop into the pool which lay calm and empty in front of us. We knew we had to be really quiet not to attract any attention but this just added to the excitement of the moment. Aussie removed everything except for his swim trunks (actually why he was wearing them on a date is beyond me) and I changed into my bikini. I was definitely not so far gone to jump into the pool without any clothes.

The moment I joined Aussie in the pool he wrapped himself around me and held me close like he would never ever want to let me go. All the while he was kissing and caressing me while telling me how gorgeous I looked. What more does a girl want than hearing lots of beautiful words and feeling desired beyond limits?

Maybe a lot more touching and kissing and this is exactly what I got. Aussie knew exactly how to stroke my fire so that not such a long while later we were both without clothes in the pool. But still we stayed in the pool and just touched and hugged and it felt amazing beyond words.

This is not what I usually do when I go on a Tinder date. First of all most guys are just not how they present themselves online anyway and even if I don’t take them home with me on the first evening. But maybe meeting someone the same day after getting in touch with him, exchanging only a couple of texts so that expectations cannot be built too high and traveling for three months without meeting someone remotely interesting, can do that to a person.

What can I tell you, we eventually left tell pool and retired to the bungalow.

Fly me to the moon

Dinner with Aussie didn’t make me sleepy. On the contrary, I was wide awake. Sparks were flying and tension was in the air. When we moved away from the restaurant on our search for a bar we met one of the many floating lantern sellers. And guess what? Aussie was a sucker for romantic gestures and bought a lantern. Just don’t forget that nothing has happened yet.

He paid for the lantern and held it for me to light it with his lighter. Yes, Aussie was a smoker. So very wicked in this day and age. Especially since I had quit years ago. But Aussie was by his own word a holiday smoker. Whatever that means. But so far he had only smoked one cigarette, so maybe he really had his habit under control.

Anyway, I lit the lantern and together we let it go, letting it float away into the dark night. We were watching it getting smaller and smaller and suddenly he pulled me close and kissed me on the lips. That was unexpected. He had appeared so nervous all through dinner, sweating hard and using his napkin every five minutes to pat his forehead dry. Who would have guessed that he had it in him to make a move?

And I loved it! I loved it that he didn’t stick his tongue down my throat right away but gave me a cool, dry kiss on my lips. Then he took my hand and didn’t let it go for the rest of the evening.

Let’s go for dinner 

Aussie ordered a large beer for himself and a small one for me. Then he put the glass to his mouth and only set it down once three-quarters of its content had vanished. Great either he tried to catch up or I don’t know what.

Once the glass was back on the table we started talking and after about 10 minutes I got the impression that it was not going so well. My ‘Queen of small talk’ quality had left the premise once it noticed that Aussie was not the talker. Great, so here I was sitting with a guy who appeared to be nice (and I mean that in the best possible way; nice is totally underrated!) but was a man of few words. The fewer the better apparently.

So imagine my astonishment when he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner. I already knew that I would never make it to the second date. After two beers I definitely needed something to eat first. And even though he was not the best conversationalist, a free dinner was a free dinner.

We left the pub and moved in the direction of the beach. I noticed that I really had too much to drink since I wobbled a bit. But Aussie was not fazed and provided a stable support for me by holding my arm. Nothing sexual in there, I assure you.

We reached the beach and he chose a really good-looking place to have dinner. When he asked me if I was hungry, ate everything and if he could order for us, I was more than happy to say yes to all three. Saying “YES” a lot more was something I had leaned on my trip. It really opened new doors for me and lead to some incredible experiences!

Starving by then I loved it that Aussie ordered the seafood platter for two which started with oysters (why ever we would need aphrodisiac I really didn’t get). Also loved it that he didn’t appear to be cheap. He had paid for the beers already and since he had ordered the food I assumed (correctly) that he would pay for dinner.

Over dinner he started to talk a bit and my first impression was confirmed, Aussie was a good guy. There is something inherently sexy about a really nice guy. Maybe it’s because I am already older and had my share of bad boys. I loved that he came across like a real guy.

So dinner was interesting and with two shared pitchers of beers his tongue got looser and I felt he might not be uninterested after all.  Mine got looser too and I asked him about the first 15 minutes and my impression of him. He told me that he was inherently shy and that he felt nervous with me. What better compliment for someone like me to make a younger guy nervous. He really knew what to tell me.

After he paid for dinner we went in search of a bar. It started to become really interesting. There was definitely a bit of tension in the air.

First impressions

I arrived at an English pub and it was good enough for me. why search for an Irish one when I had already walked for more than 30 minutes or so…. When I saw “The Scribbler” (it was probably called something different) I decided to stop there for  a beer and send a text in the hope that my date still gets it. That’s always the problem on vacation that you have to rely on wifi for what’s app. Since I only stayed for a week in Thailand there was no need to buy a Sim card.

Anyway, I sat down and ordered a large beer. I was hot and sweaty and then sent a text on Tinder using the chance while being logged on to peruse his pictures again. Certainly not impressive but I just wanted to have a fun evening and had no ulterior motive. He was fun and quick to answer while messaging and since I am the “Queen of small talk” I thought it would go well. And if not then I still had a second date lined up.

He wrote back that he was running late, they had just arrived back at the hotel. He told me in the beginning that he was traveling with two friends and that they had rented motorbikes. No worries here, I had a book with me and didn’t mind the wait. I was on vacation after all and had already 3 months of these under my belt. So who cares if I had to wait for a bit while drinking a cold beer and reading a good book?

When he, let’s call him Aussie, came in I recognized him right away. Probably because he had told me that he  was wearing a purple shirt. He looked bigger than on his pictures. But in a good way, more trained. But not something I really go for usually. He carried a small man purse as well, something I would usually not tolerate. Actually usually I would run and scream at the same time and just flee the scene. But in this case it was different, he had a sincere smile. I got up and we said hello the European way. Don’t blame me, I am from Europe plus I felt the alcohol. I didn’t have any lunch and had almost finished my large beer.

Also, and this I probably liked best, he didn’t look his age. That might sound mean now but my biggest fear was that he would look way younger than me. He was 11 years my junior. I really cannot imagine anything worse than being seen in public with a guy and I look like his mother. But three months of traveling were doing wonders to my skin and my overall complexion. I looked young and vibrant and next to him possible even a bit younger than him. But only because Aussie looked about my age. Yes, too much sun is really bad for you! Always, always use sunscreen!

Tindering

I am back home since more than a month and I had the trip of a life time. Dating wise it was a bit meager since most backpackers on the road in SE Asia were at least 20 years younger. Not that I would mind someone younger but I got the feeling that I was just not meant for them. So I traveled for three months without anything happening and this although I was excellently prepared for all eventualities.

For the last part of my trip I had a beach vacation planned and for this I pulled out all stops (compared to the rest of the trip). I flew to a well-known island in Thailand and there rented a bungalow on a beautiful beach. Not right in the middle of the action but a little bit further down. At my age I want to choose when to party and not have it in front of my door all the time.

So the second day I am there I activate Tinder since I will spend a week on this island alone and I already noticed at breakfast that at my hotel I won’t meet anybody. I swipe so often to the right that Tinder tells me I am out of likes for 12 hours. Did that ever happen to you?

I start texting with a couple of guys, not all of them on the same island. So really what’s the point? I just want to meet some people and have a great last week of this totally amazing trip. Two guys want to meet me right away and I agree to meet both of them. The first one around 4:30-5ish and with the other I arrange to text later since he can’t make it before 7. It feels a bit over-motivated to meet two on the same evening but from experience I know that 90% of the people on Tinder are super douche, so it’s best to keep all my options open. And with no expectations I walk into town to look for the Irish pub because every place has at least one of them and it’s as good a meeting place as any.