love

I miss you

Leaving Aussie guy behind at the 5* hotel in Bangkok was one of the hardest thing to do. First of all it was still early and I knew he was going back to bed and secondly I didn’t know if and when I would see him again.

Apparently he felt the same way because after I had checked in at the airport and had a wi-fi connection I got a text from him that he missed me in his arms already. What can I say? I just melted, probably because he sounded in better shape than last night and maybe, just maybe there would have been a chance to go at it again before he would be sick all over. Plus he called me my love. In hindsight it didn’t mean what it implied but I was ecstatic.

And from then on it all went wrong. Because I answered his one lovely text with about five. Plus I sent another one from the plane. What can I say, it was the first time that I had an Internet connection on a plane. So maybe I should just blame Aeroflot for everything.

Once in Moscow I sent another text, talk about overkill, but then I heard back from him. He had met up with his friends and he was still not feeling well. He was also going home that evening.

Everything that was written above, was written right after everything happened. I don’t really know why I never finished this story. Maybe it was too painful. In a way it still is. But I want to move on with my life and therefore I have decided to write about the end.

We managed to talk twice on the phone. The time difference was a killer. 11 hours are not nothing when you both hold jobs. He promised me that he would like into flights and that he would come and see me in November. I felt loved and cherished by this big guy. I haven’t felt like this in ages. Also I trusted him completely. He was available and reliable and I never feared that I wouldn’t hear from him.

But this is exactly what happened. One day, there was just no answer, no text, no explanation. Just one big silence. And like that he vanished into the night.

Saying goodbye

My last morning dawned, not just with Aussie guy but of my trip. Before meeting Aussie I had been backpacking for three months on my own and had the best time of my life. all of a sudden all of this freedom was to end, plus I had to say goodbye to this dreamy package of a man.

Too bad that our last night together couldn’t have been further from romantic, what with Aussie sleeping the sleep of the dead and me praying for him to recover and hoping for a last bout of sexual activity.

It was not to be. I packed up my things while Aussie talked to the toilet bowl again. What can I say, as much as I felt sorry for him, I felt sorry for myself. Shortly before I left the room he gave me his t-shirt in which I met him the first time. Wouldn’t have thought that he would remember that in his condition, but he did.

He managed to accompany me downstairs and wait with me for my cab and then it was already time to say goodbye. One last kiss and a wave and I was on the way to the airport.

Last day together 

Since this is not a fairy tale all good things must come to an end. I had only booked the bungalow in Koh Samui for a week and was flying back home in two days time.

But before it came to this I still had a day with Aussie hunk who also flew with me to Bangkok. With me might be a little bit exaggerated since I had booked my flight already weeks ago (so much for spontaneous traveling, can’t change the Monk in me) and he only two days before.

When booking my flight I had also splurged on a 20$ hotel near the airport, but with pooL, since I was leaving early the day after. Aussie of course had other ideas (and damn the man I loved him for that) and splurged on a 5* hotel with an outdoor pool on the 10th floor overlooking the city. What can I say, as much as I like to sleep in hostels when I’m backpacking I’m also a sucker for grand gestures and luxury gestures just turn me on!

Anyways so he was flying in the morning from Koh Samui while I still had time to pack leisurely and take the plane at noon. When I arrived at the Sofitel he was already waiting for me at our room and I kid you not the sex was that much better with this gorgeous view over Bangkok. Like an extra kick with the huge window front open for the whole world to see. Of course on the 38th floor no one can see anything.

We spent the little rest of the day with a swim in the magnificent pool and later a visit to the pier for dinner. Our night activity was cut short though because he had caught a stomach bug and needed to get back to the hotel where he spent a significant amount of time in the bathroom while I had to watch tv really loud. Don’t you hate these modern rooms which don’t afford you any privacy?

Anyway I am glad we had had the goodbye sex in the afternoon because once he got into bed he fell into a comatose sleep and that was that.

A magic night

I can’t believe I never finished the story with Aussie guy. This was really a magic week in my life. The whole week now seems like a fairy tale when I look back.
This last evening in Koh Samui we went for dinner at a beach restaurant which had individual “tents” for each table. As far as I remember I think we were actually the only occupied table and service was excellent.

Not just the service but also the attention of Aussie guy which was directed at me and only at me. He was basically eating out of the palm of my hand. On that evening we agreed that we would try to make a go of it. So weird since we lived on the other side of the world. But in this day and age what’s a little bit of travel?

He got us a heart lantern which we lit together and let go and I don’t need to tell you what my wish was. I had fallen for this guy and I had fallen hard. When we walked back that evening after a stop at our usual bar, getting pictures taking by the hostess who wanted to know if we will come back for our honeymoon, we again made good use of the pool and made love for most of the night. There was definitely magic in the air.

Flying through the woods

I had another sleepless night (why should it have been different after a two-day break?) and we woke up to another sunny day. Aussie went out before breakfast to rent us a motorbike and came back with coffee and macaroons. You just had to love this guy! So thoughtful!

Before heading out for breakfast we tested the bed springs again which were still in amazingly good shape (us too). After breakfast we had a zip-lining tour planned, something I had done just the previous month in Laos. I had told Aussie about it and he was all for it. So I booked us onto a tour but we wanted to head to the starting point ourselves. Exploring the island and so.

It was definitely not easy finding the place but eventually we arrived and were told it was just a short walk from the parking. So before going there we sat down for a coffee and then Aussie told me that he was afraid of heights. WTF? Why didn’t he tell me that before? I would never have booked us on this tour if I had known. Because what’s the point? He was afraid and I had already done the most amazing zip-lines in Laos. Really, guys … I will never get them.

To make a long story short we both got into our harness, walked with a group of 15 people to the first high stand and practiced the brake-maneuver. Aussie wanted to go last and just before I went I asked him if he was fine. I told him that would go back with him if he wanted to get out, but he said no, he was be fine. He chickened out the moment I left the high stand. The first minute I was angry but then I decided to enjoy myself. Because didn’t he let me go first so that I had to stay on the course?

Anyway there was nothing else to do than just go ahead and zip through the trees. And I loved it as much as I had loved it in Laos, although the course was shorter and easier. Still it was exhilarating! So when I came back to Aussie who had in the meantime taken a nap in a hammock I was in a great mood. I had also thought about his fear of heights and had started to appreciate his courage to back down before he went on the course. Once on it there would have been no way down for him and he would have ruined this adventure for everyone else. It cannot be easy to admit in front of of strangers that one is afraid.

The rest of the afternoon was spent on the beach after a sumptuous lunch which Aussie started with a whiskey since his stomach trouble had returned. I of course had no such problems after my time on the road and just tucked in. Later I slept on the beach while he went jet-skiing. This time I didn’t go with him; while I liked it the first time, it definitely didn’t thrill me as much as him and I am was sure he would enjoy it more if he went out alone. Also I rather wanted to read my book.

When the sun started to go down we drove back to the little bungalow to get ready for our last evening on the island.

The best of times

After having finally another undisturbed night (amazing how soon one can forget that) I was ready the next morning to pick my Aussie from the airport. He really was coming back for me (or as one of my friends later said who wouldn’t come to good sex and no strings attached) and planned on staying with me all the way to end of my or respectively his trip.

I had arranged for a cab to take me to the airport and since Koh Samui is such a small place we were in and out in under 5 minutes. Aussie was already waiting for me and while I still looked up on the screen he came over and whispered in my ear if the plane had already arrived. I never even recognized him with his cowboy hat on. He looked amazingly like a douche. Never mind, once in the thralls of love you don’t question your chosen one anymore.

We made it back to the bungalow without embarrassing ourselves in the car (the Thai might be used to tourists but still expect you to behave) but then went right back to bed. House cleaning knocked about three times on the door until we eventually left the bungalow for the beach. The rest of the day was spent with sleeping on the beach by Aussie and reading by me.

Before heading out for dinner we tested the new bed sheets and then I had a lovely meal not far from the hotel. Aussie meanwhile went to a pharmacy. He seemed to have caught a stomach bug and felt queasy. So not romantic at all this time since I had to eat alone. That didn’t diminish my appetite though. After traveling for three months I was used to eating alone and had paid my dues in stomach problems. The cure to all that is alcohol.

So before heading home we stopped at a bar near our place which we had already frequented on our second night together. There we were greeted like long-lost friends and the girls behind the bar looked happy for me when I showed up with Aussie again (the evening before I came alone). Gin Tonic always works like a charm and when we cam back to the bungalow Aussie was up for another tumble between the sheets.

He fell asleep like a stone right after, but I lay awake as usual. But I was happy, so happy to be next to my hunky Aussie. He was holding me tight and if I moved around he would just follow me. So lovely!

 

Spring is here – I am ready for love!

I noticed that I haven’t written in a long time and you might be wondering what I have been up to. To make it short, not much.

Let’s get it out of the way and start with Special K. I have not heard from him since I came back from the Alps. His answer to my text was all I got from him and since almost 8 weeks nothing else. So when I went running last weekend I have been thinking about this “relationship” we have. I am officially tired about it. There is this quote from Stephen Chbosky’s “The perks of being a wallflower” which says that we accept the love we think we deserve. I deserve more, way more. Because what I am getting with him is nothing. And I know he never promised me anything, but getting nothing is less than I expected.

1271And here we come full circle to the problem of expectations again. I knew there was nothing to gain by seeing him except having a good time while it lasted. And still I was kind of expecting to hear from him As I wrote myself I though he would get in touch in March. Which we have now. By now I am feeling quite disappointed, about him , about myself. Always, always expecting something, hoping for something that will never come to pass. I have to let go, this will not lead to anything. I will just keep on hoping and wasting my time.

 

While waiting for Special K to get in touch, I went online to see what guys are out there. Is it me or are they just awful? Are my expectations too high? Why? Because I want to meet someone whom I like to look at? Because to my eyes he has to be handsome and to my brain he has to be a clever funny sea-god? Does a person like this even exist? Sure they do. Just not online.

After the “gap-meeting” I dated I guy who was 3 years my senior and already talked about early retirement. Way to go, yeah. Can’t wait to live with him and hear this everyday! I was glad that he invited me to a Greek restaurant. Choose some appetizer mix which included Skordaliá (garlic puree). Had no problem going home alone!

I arranged some other dates but either the places they suggested or the way they were before on the phone made me cancel all of them. But I don’ feel bored or lonely or anything. There is so much to do and spring is here, I think love is in the air. Maybe I just have to breathe it in!