Yesterday evening I went out with friends for sushi and afterwards for football. Watching the Champions League semifinal between Borussia Dortmund and Real Madrid in room full of guys made me realize how lonely I felt. So when I cam home I had nothing better to do than to send a text to B. Actually copying one of his in which he said that he was always checking What’s App! if there is any message from me and never seeing one. So I copied it and just brought it up to date, hoping to hear from him. And guess what?? I got no answer. Although he read it shortly after midnight, no answer.
How come I cannot get over this jerk? Why am I always going back for more BS? Or even worse nothing at all? I don’t understand myself, my head is telling me since a very long time that this guy is just not for me. That he only makes me miserable waiting for him to call or make time for me. He is definitely “just not that into me”. So why am I going back for more and more? I do not recognize myself. I am not this kind of person.
Please, please let me get this into my heart: He is not the one!!
All quiet on the text front
Ten days I ago I heard the last time from B. Since then my phone has been quiet at least in regards to his texts and calls. I assume he is still in Slovenia, probably with his girlfriend or wife. A notion that never left me in all these months that we are dealing with each other. I still have this feeling that there is someone else in his life.
I also believe that he will get in touch once he is back in Vienna. I am still not sure how I will react to this. My head tells me to ignore all his communications. It makes no sense to stay in touch with him, nothing will change. We have been through the same already a couple of times now.
My head also tells me to not even waste a thought on all of this. I haven’t heard from him so far and I shouldn’t answer anyway.
My heart of course tells a different story, but one that is not coming into play since I haven’t heard from him. Non-communication makes keeping resolutions a lot easier!
No apology but an excuse nonetheless
After not hearing from B all day was so angry in the evening that I sent him another text asking him if he was pulling the same stunt he did a couple of months ago? Vanishing and then weeks later sending little messages. What’s the matter with him? Why can’t he just say that all he wants is the one thing and be done with it? There is really no need for all the other bs, his nice words and talking about feelings…
I was very glad that I left the city on Thursday for a long weekend in Moscow. Have never been there and was looking forward to a long and relaxing stay at a very posh hotel! That Thursday evening I got a text from telling me that he fell asleep on Tuesday afternoon and slept until 1am and the next day he had to leave for Slovenia again. There was a death in the family and the funeral was on Friday.
What I can I say to this? I sent a text with my deepest sympathy and left it at that. It doesn’t change anything! I have to accept the fact that “he is just not that into me”. Otherwise there would have been a text at 1am to say he was sorry, that he overslept. Whatever… something. But there has never been anything and stupid as I am, I was giving him chance after chance.
And my heart is still betraying me. Yesterday when I arrived back home I was looking for him in the arrival hall. We talked about it, I told him when I would be back. And he was making jokes about waiting for me with a big welcome sign. Why do I still want that? Why can I not just accept that there will never be an “us”? I have to be strong now, there is no way back!
Shame on me
There is this saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” I am now definitely a fool now!
B and I saw each other Monday night. He texted shortly before 8pm and then called me on my mobile. He was back in Vienna and wanted to know what I was doing. I told him that I was meeting some friends. First he wanted to meet the next day for lunch. When I asked him if he was not working he told me that he had quit his job and was now taking some time off. In the end we decided to meet on Tuesday evening and that we would get in touch in the afternoon for details. Before hanging up he said if I was bored before going to bed I could give him a call.
Which I did, fool that I am. I called him and after 10 minutes on the phone invited him over. Alcohol really makes you lose reason and inhibition. The moment I hung up I knew I made a mistake. But how could I back out of it?
We spent the night together, he was super attentive, cute, said all the right things. Could not have been better. Also it felt so familiar being next to him, being held by him. But truth be told I held back, I didn’t want to be sucked in again so quick, you know? Not pouring out my heart to him, I thought I would just wait and see. Which is so unlike me!
The next morning he gave me a lift to the office. We were still on for the evening. Said we would watch tv together and snack on chips and popcorn. We kissed goodbye and I felt like on cloud seven, walked into the office with a huge goofy grin on my face. Had my doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, sent him a text right after and have not heard back since then.
And although I knew is unreliable, a douche and an a**, it really hurts again…
More news and more of the same
I haven’t heard from B until last Thursday. Although he had asked me in his texts the Saturday before last if we will see each other last week. No sign from him at all. And then last Thursday quite late I get a text from him that he is checking his text daily hoping to hear from me and always being disappointed.
He told me that he was still in Slovenia but that he will come back to Vienna on Sunday. And then he asked me if we can write each other until we see each other again. And that his longing for me almost hurts.
Then on Friday morning I sent him a text that I woke up thinking about him. And to this I get no answer. Nothing, nada. So this morning, it already being Monday, I sent him his text back “we will write each other, yes?” and also wrote “You, too?”.
So far he has not seen it, and there is of course no answer. What am I to do. I have a feeling he writes only when he had something to drink and feels a bit lonely. Otherwise there is never anything from him. I don’t know how to get him out of my system. It’s not as if we had such a long relationship. Basically only days, since most of the times I have been on vacation while we ware dating.
Just now got a text from him. Of course we will write each other. He is just now on the way back to Vienna…
Sh*t, I am excited. Where will this all lead??
V on the other hand wants to come to see me in Vienna in July. He still wants me to cancel my trip to
Moscow. And if he knew that just today I booked a trip to Greece I am sure he would be mad again. So it’s good that he doesn’t know!
Surprising news
A surprising turn of events happened. B. sent a text on Saturday with “Happy Easter” greetings. I got it while I was sitting together with a friend, waiting to go out.
Interestingly enough, I would not have answered. Because what is the point. My friend pointed out that he wanted to talk to me because otherwise why would he send a text at 22:15 on a Saturday evening?
With her help I answered the text. I thanked him and asked him where he was.
I think he was surprised, cause he wrote back right away that he was in Slovenia with his parents and brother and asked me where I was. When I told him that I was out, he wished me a nice evening and wrote “Next week?”. I said yes, and asked him to get in touch. He said he would, so I told him that I look forward too. He said, he too. Then I wished him a good night and sweet dreams.
And to this he wrote back that the next time he sees me, he wants to take me in his arms and not talk. In his second text he wrote that talking will be necessary, but only later.
Very interesting development, so told him if he kisses me right away, I will be quiet for a change and listen to him later.
Then he kind of ruined by writing that his desire for me is so great, that he is almost dying. And when I told him that when the time is right, we will have an amazing time again, he seemed aggravated. But what did he expect, that he can just get in touch and I would crawl into bed with him?
Anyway, let’s see how this turns out.
Also V. got in touch again on Saturday afternoon. He sent a mail via FB saying hi. His way of getting in touch again after behaving like a spoiled brat. He still loves me which I find wonderful. It’s so nice to hear even though there is no future for us. He lives in Brazil and I in Austria, He is a bit over 30 and I am a bit over 40. Makes no sense to me, but maybe I should throw reason in the wind…
Will keep you posted!
Pity
You wouldn’t believe it, but B. texted back just a couple of hours later that he will be back in Vienna this week and that we could talk on the phone. Maybe this is what I deserved!
It’s what I wanted, no? To hear from him! But the way he wrote back I felt really bad about myself. Why did I even get in touch with him? There is no chance that we are ever going back together and now I can feel his pity which makes it worse. Anyway, maybe he will not call. Cause I will definitely not! I thought about what I would want to say to him, in the end I think I have to apologize for my behavior. Which doesn’t mean that I approve his behavior. It only means that my behavior was awful. I should never have met him while I was still mad at him. Always a bad choice.
Anyway, will let you know how this goes if ever…
In other news V. is not talking to me anymore. We had a little fall out last week when I told him that I am still not in love with him (how can I when I don’t even know him except for talking to him for 45min?). So know he decided to give me all the necessary time I need to get to know him without talking to me. Also fine by me. I am just glad I didn’t allow him to make “us” official on Facebook, otherwise two weeks it would have been over again.
And yesterday I think I did something really bad for my karma. I was supposed to meet a guy whom I got to know via an online dating site. We have been talking a bit on the phone, already had a date set then he never called on this day. The next day he calls and wants to meet me spontaneously. I told him that I couldn’t that I was already meeting a friend. He suggested that I should cancel…which of course I didn’t. Then we decided on yesterday, texted during the day to fix place and time.
And then I was meeting friends of mine for champagne in the late afternoon. We celebrated the birthday of S. I asked them if they were doing something later, but they told me that they were headed home. So I went to my Pilates class and was astonished when later I had a text from my friends asking me where we should meet for more champagne. Apparently they were still out and about. So I cancelled on this guy super short notice, like 10 minutes before our previously arranged time. Of course he was pissed. He was already waiting…
My girls said I was his punishment for something he did. I am not sure about this reversal logic. I still think one gets everything back in life.
Anyway, tonight I am meeting some close friends for sushi. I am really looking forward to it. The food at Teka Sushi is amazing!
Numb
After sending my text last week to B. I was waiting breathless for his answer. It never came. Actually I think he never saw it, clicked on it or I don’t know what. With “What’s app” you usually get two check marks when I message has been received and seen. At least I always understood it like this. Now my message to him still shows only one check mark which is quite frustrating.
Therefore I sent another text today saying the I would like to meet him again. Still only one check mark.
I believe that even I will give up if there is no answer from him. Still, this is so unlike me to go on and on and on. It is almost unbearable to confront myself with the fact that I have contacted him now three times and only got an answer once. Even though the first one was successful. But what does successful even mean? That he wrote back telling me that he missed me as well? But also telling me he would have never gotten in touch? And what is the meaning of his writing that he wants to try again, be with me, that he still thinks about the times we spent together? How it felt being next to me?
I wish I understand what’s going on in his mind!
Interestingly enough I don’t feel bad about myself for writing to him. I don’t even feel embarrassed that I am the one chasing him. I just mean to get some kind closure. And if it’s not coming from then the passing time will make sure of it.
In other news V. is still constantly in touch with me. Needing to see me, needing to talk to me and begging me to join him on his trip to Peru. Isn’t it funny how life plays out? One always wants what one cannot have.
Brain dead
I think I lost my head somewhere!
One week ago I had the disaster car ride with B. One week in which I haven’t heard from him and basically just tried to ban him from my head and heart.
So what happened? I started to think about him today and then I sent him a text with “Still miss you”!!! And no, I didn’t drink anything at lunch. I must be brain dead…or just plain stupid.
One of my friend’s asked me a long time ago in a quite similar situation if someone had amputated my brain. Maybe it happened in my sleep and I haven’t noticed?
I should be happy, shouldn’t I? I mean there is this super cute Brazilian guy V. who writes me everyday and tells me how much he loves me. Ok, maybe this is not enough since he lives an atlantic away and we haven’t spent more than 45 minutes in each others company, plus he is almost 10 years younger, and nothing at all happened between the two of us. But is good for my self-esteem. I feel valued, loved and put on a pedestal. It could be a lot worse.
So why, oh why am I losing my head over someone who is not into me?
Stupid, stupid me
I am not sure where it all went wrong again. But here it is.
I met this guy, let’s call him B, last fall via an online dating site. We hit it off not right away but there were definitely sparks. And then I fell for him, and then I went on vacation.
THe moment I am back, while staying in touch with him all the time during my vacation, all of a sudden he is super busy and can only find time a week after my return to see me.
Long story short, that was the only time after my vacation that we saw each other. Three days later he stopped answering calls and texts. And that was that.
For Christmas and New Year’s I got a short impersonal message, to which I replied that by now I no longer wished to stay in touch. I mean what was the point. To be completely honest, I still thought about him from time to time. He was rather cute…
So when I left for vacation again in February I sent an e-mail just before taking-off that I still missed him. And when I arrived I had a text back from him. Saying he missed me too plus sending his number along. So we started to text a bit while I was on vacation. We even talked on viber once. He didn’t say much except that he was really happy that I got in touch and that he missed me a lot. But that he himself would not have gotten in touch with me! Wow, what a bummer!!!
Still we kind of kept in touch during the three weeks I was gone. A week before my return I asked him to pick me up from the airport. He complied, telling me that looked forward to seeing me. I had an overnight flight with a stop in Paris before arriving in Vienna at noon. In Paris I checked my mails and messages, no cancellation from him. But of course there was one when I arrived in Vienna. He had sent it an hour before my arrival. Why was I not more surprised!
Which I also told him, maybe in different words. He finally got in touch again the next day, asking how I have been and so on. My cool reaction made him actually call me this time and tell me that he really wanted to see me and that he would pick me up the next day from work and take me out for dinner.
Next day came around, no call, no message, no nothing from him.
At 5:30 I left the office and made my way to the gym. As if I had know it, I took my sports bag with me that morning. Sport always makes me feel better about myself!
When I arrived home, I was mad! I What a jerk and how stupid was I to put up with all his crap! So I sent a text that I was already home and quite hungry, asking him when he would show up and where we would go.
More apologies later, and lots of almost tear jerking texts about him wanting see me, feel me, and be close to me, he promised to be at my office the next day and bring me to my friend’s place. Since I had plans for the rest of the week and was in the mood to cancel anything! Honestly I didn’t expect him to show up after I had told him what a jerk he was.
It seemed he was not so impressed with me calling him names cause he showed up the next day, right on time. When I got in the car I wanted to hear an apology or something. And here it is again my high expectation problem! People will never live up my expectations, I should really get rid of this notion. I should dig deeper into this why I am I expecting so much.
So two minutes into the car ride I have already told him three times what an a** he was. The only thing he did was to clam up completely. Telling me he was not at fault, his job was very important. Cause the reason he couldn’t be at the airport was that he had to work in another city about 5 hours away from here. As if!! he wouldn’t know already the evening before that he wouldn’t make it? I mean , what is the big deal about canceling on time. And also the next day? Just sending a text that it would not work. But no, apologizing is not for him.
He brought me to my friend, I got out and told him, this had just confirmed what I thought about him. Which was that the was a superficial egomaniac, and I didn’t say that out loud. But I thought it, no reason to get into an even bigger fight.
So when I went up to friend’s place, I wrote him a text that this was a shame.
And later on he wrote back, no sorry, it was a shame about us. I of course wrote something back and later even called again when I left my friend. He didn’t pick up again and there was also no reaction to my last text that said that a job is just a job, but people are not replaceable.
Maybe I wanted too much, on the other hand I still think I deserve more respect than what I got from him. Not cancelling on time, not calling means not thinking and not caring about the other person. And isn’t that a minimum requirement for a relationship?
So why am I still sad?
all my summers 